About Course
While conflict is normal and natural in organisational and community life, many people experience difficulties in engaging conflict situations because of the emotions and “feelings” conflict brings up. Here are some ideas and approaches that will help you transform the way you feel about it:
How do you frame conflict? Is conflict scary and to be avoided or could conflict be an opportunity to achieve positive change?
Adrenaline causes rapid breathing – so consciously slow down. Breathe deeply into your belly through your nose and let it out slooooowly through your mouth. Do this a few times. Listen to your breath.
Give yourself some self-nurturing with a long, loving self-hug. Wrap your arms tightly around yourself and smile. (Do this in the cloakroom or people may think you’re strange).
Take a hike… If you feel out of control angry, say ‘I need some time to think’ and go for a 10- minute walk or do something mindless for a few minutes. Then sit down, gather your thoughts and plan to state your case in an assertive, purposeful and constructive way.
Meet at a neutral place, preferably away from the space where interactions normally occur.
Watch your posture – don’t cross or fold anything. Unclench your jaw. Unclench your fists. Relax your eyes.
Keep your language simple. We live in a cross-cultural society, so there may be a language problem. But even if there isn’t, simple language has the most power.
Remember that more than anything, conflict is caused by bad communication.
Say ‘I’ and ‘We’ instead of ‘you’. For instance: ‘I disagree’ ‘This is how I see it…’ ‘From what I understand, this works best’ ‘I’ve learnt than customers expect us to…’ NB – ‘I think you’re wrong’ is cheating.
Listen to what the other person has to say.
Turn down the inner voice that says you’re being attacked/disrespected/made a fool of. Be aware that it’s there, but don’t take it seriously. Think words like ‘interesting… curious… fascinating’. For instance: ‘She’s accusing me of being a control freak… how interesting’.
Be truthful about your feelings when you’re being attacked. Speak it – for instance: ‘I’m taken aback; can I think about this for a while?” ‘I have no idea how to respond to this right now.’ ‘I’m surprised you feel that way.’
Become aware of the physical signs that you’re becoming angry. Once you know the feeling, STOP and identify what it is that is making you angry.
Ask yourself: ‘Can this anger be useful to me?” If you get angry in the traffic, understand that you are making no impact on the other person, but you’re making an enormous impact on your own state of mind.
If the anger is not useful, DROP IT. Try to see it from the other person’s point of view. ‘He’s just trying to earn a living.’ ‘He didn’t see me.’ ‘I’ve made mistakes like that before.’
Identify and express feelings that came before the anger. Maybe you got a fright. Maybe you felt humiliated, frustrated or unacknowledged. Express those feelings instead and the anger will dissipate.
If the anger can be useful, take control of it, relax and plan how you’re going to respond assertively to make things happen differently.
Remember – Anger is one letter short of danger and laughter one letter short of slaughter…Anon
Some useful conflict prevention attitudes
- We’re all doing our best
- We all need to be complimented for a job well done
- We all want to be told how we can be better at what we do
- We have similar goals – we all want to grow as individuals, get satisfaction from our work, become more confident and have high self-esteem..
- Nobody likes wasting time, effort and energy in conflict
- Suggestions and feedback benefit us all.
- Sharing ideas stimulates new ways of achieving what we all want
- We all want our work to be meaningful
- We like feeling capable and competent
- We all have the wisdom to make wise choices
- We all need freedom to try out new ideas or plans. When they fail, we learn more than when they succeed
- We all gain when we expect goodwill in others
- We all want to be treated justly and fairly.
- We all have a need to be recognised and appreciated.
- We all want to know when we’ve made mistakes without losing face
Treasure each person’s uniqueness. Trust that they are able to admire other’s capabilities and skills as well as their own.
Adapted from the work of Abraham H. Maslow